Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
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“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Not today.. 😂
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching