me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
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saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.