ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
You Might Also Like
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Gemma Correll
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.