If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
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me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do