The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
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From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I’m literally crying
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Spa day..😅
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.