My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
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When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store