If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
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me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies