EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
You Might Also Like
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.