Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
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police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
respect
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.