Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.