I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
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Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
i wish all
whales
a very
big
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*