advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
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I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.