Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
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Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
ok like just. call me at this point
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops