Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
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that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
This is a bad sign
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
sensitive skin
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management