Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
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the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
guilty
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍