Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
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WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.