Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
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Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”