5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
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Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
emergency phone
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’