jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
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Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Meowchelangelo
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Donkey Kong sommelier
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.