The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
You Might Also Like
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
is there nothing we can trust anymore
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
When you let grandma cat sit
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic