Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
that lip filler tho
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?