How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
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I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I only eat vegetarians.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I cannot call her anything else now
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
it was love at first sight
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!