My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
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Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Duolingo getting serious.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA