In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
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Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
craving $300 all of a sudden
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer: