*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
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Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.