Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
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I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”