I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
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Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.