Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
You Might Also Like
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
🤣🤣🤣
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.