I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
You Might Also Like
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“and how does that make you feel?”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
reminder
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender