Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
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why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet