Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
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“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Don’t make me out nice you.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.