Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
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I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Mouse
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I’m Sold!
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.