When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
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Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick