oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
You Might Also Like
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Buying a well is money well spent.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”