California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
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The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.