It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
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Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe