I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
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Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Sell your car
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Just how popey was the pope today?
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.