Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
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A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
So the ex texted me
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers