“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
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me when i see my girls butt
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
i think both sides are to blame here
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day