[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
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Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.