Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
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[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I drew y’all a little something.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you