on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
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Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
The opposite of Iceland is water water
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.