Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
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Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
There’s only one good girl here!