Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
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I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
screw you
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now