The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
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My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.