To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
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Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets