In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
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*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Potatoes were such a good idea
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.