If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
You Might Also Like
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.