Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
You Might Also Like
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
i meant to share this earlier
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE