Happens to everyone.
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girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr